Emotions

I am left with so many mixed emotions and feelings today. We have witnessed everything from complete and total desperation to chaos and frustration to sadness, sorrow and aching hearts. Coming to a place like Haiti does that to you. It's a roller coaster of emotions.

Today we did two water stops with the Healing Haiti water truck. The first stop was in the middle of Jeremy Wharf. A small baby, no more than 12 months old, came walking up to me and instantly clinged to me. She smelt a little sour and a bit like urine, but I picked her up anyways. I carried her around with me as I tried to help control the water bucket line. While holding her, kids came up to me shouting "toilet" and told me to put her down. As I set her on the ground, all the kids started cleaning me up, washing the small feces mark on my shirt, and trying to make sure I was clean. I felt horrible letting the small child down and letting her fend for herself. I held her hand instead and walked around with her the rest of the time at the Wharf. She would not let me go. When I wasnt holding her hand, she was holding my legs or wrapping her body around mine. It breaks my heart to know how much she just wanted to be loved and touched, even by a total stranger. I dont know where her mother was or her family. I just knew that she was under my care for this precious moment. At the same stop I met a young girl that had breads in her hair with little alphabet clips. She took a clip out of her hair and put it in mine. It was the letter "z".. I told her it must stand for "Zanmi" (friend). She took a bobby-pin from my hair and I helped her put it in her hair. I had Fanfan tell her to keep that bobby-pin to remember me! I know I will keep that clip and never forget the impact these small "zanmi's" have had on my life. I had one of the Healing Haiti staff members translate what she was saying to me and she said something about wanting to come with me. She told our translator that she would go tell her mom that she is leaving with us. It broke my heart knowing that this young girl was so desperate that she wanted to leave with me, a complete stranger. This is one of the hardest things to deal with coming to Haiti. Children come out of no where. They come by themselves without any supervision or without their parents knowing where they are. Children as young as four or five are walking around caring for their infant brother or sisters. Its a total mind-bloggeling experience. At dinner several nights ago we had a conversation about this with our Haitian Mission Director. It's not that the parents dont love their children here, but it's a tough life. Parents are either apathetic because they are trying to find basic resources to keep their family alive or they are busy working (either at the home or at work). As Jean tried to explain it, if a child says to his mom "But mom, I am hungry.." the parent may respond with things like, "Go! I dont want to hear it!" or "Go find something to eat." It's like Maslow's Hierarchy of needs: Physiological needs come first (food, water, sleep) without this a person cant meet his or her needs for safety and shelter nor their need for affection, love and emotion. From personal experience of being "starving" during my eating disorder, I know how apathetic and emotion-less you become when you can not satisfy the need for food. Being undernourished has a huge impact on relationships and work functioning.

Our next water stop was in City Soleil. It was at this stop that you could really see the desperation come to life. You could see the frustration and the cry for help from these people lined up with their buckets to receive life saving water. It was unbelievable how long the line was by the time the water truck was tucked away in the alley. People gathering with buckets stalked four, five, six.. buckets high. Children grabbing you as you try to make your way through the alley full of people and buckets. We eventually got the water hose running and we knew immediately that this was going to be a very difficult stop. CHAOS. People everywhere trying to sneak their bucket in the line..trying to not be the last bucket. Fear of being the last bucket in line when the water the in the tank is gone. No one wants to be the one left without any water. Part of you feels pain and sorrow for these people, but the other feels frustrated that they can not follow the system. Fighting started breaking out and we shut the water off before anyone got hurt. Maxim, our big Haitian water truck staff, got out amongst the chaos. Out of now where he starts breaking up the fight and threw two buckets on top of a roof. Don't mess with the system or you will be punished. We all were heated from the chaotic mess as we headed back to the taptap. Mixed emotions began to settle in as we could see people disappointed that they wouldnt be getting water today. We try our best to understand the desperation and the fear these people face.. we probably would be fighting to get our bucket towards the front of the line. However, order and cooperation are necessary in order to assure safety and fairness for all. It's a tough job.

After seeing this chaos, we headed to a different part of Cite Soleil to visit our friend Woodman's family. We were able to tour their small home in Cite Soleil and to meet his grandma, mother, brothers, and nephew. It was such a pleasure to be able to see inside a home in City Soleil.

Our last big adventure for the day was visiting the home for the sick and dying adults (teenagers and up..). It was my first time going to this place, but wow was I in for a surprise. The thought of going to this place to rub lotion on sick and dying people made me feel a little uncomfortable. When we entered one of the rooms filled with about 20 ladies, majority of our mission group were uncertain about what to do or how to start. I felt a little anxiety spread over my body. I looked at the lady closest to me and asked if I could put lotion on her. She only wanted it on her legs. I squirted lotion in my hands and looked at the rough flaky skin on her. I have never seen someone so dry. I rubbed my hands up and down her leg, rubbed the lotion in her skin, and watched as the rough patches on her legs began to glisten and soften with the palms of my hands. "Merci" she said to me. I went to a small little lady near the door. She was so tiny. My assumption was that she was wasting away. It really shook me up inside and brought me back to my roots of my eating disorder. I sat there rubbing lotion into her skin and wishing I were able to speak more with the women. (language barrier). My third lady was in the corner of the room. She, like the rest of them, had very dry skin. Once I had completed her whole body- arms, legs, stomach- she pointed to her feet. I hate touching feet. I pumped lotion into my hand and smoothed them over her feet. I rubbed the soles of her feet realizing how thick, yet how smooth they were. Most people don't wear shoes here so I expected her feet to be full of dead skin, worts and other disgusting things, but instead her feet were precious. After the room was completed, we moved to the next room.

It was in this next room that I really felt moved. I instantly connected with a lady in the corner of the room. She looked older from afar, but up close she looked to be about 30 or so. Her face was absolutely beautiful. Her long eyelashes, her beautiful facial features, and he smile. She was breath taking like an angel. Beyond her beautiful face was a body wasting away. She was pure bone, little muscle, and lose skin. As I smoothed lotion all over her body- chest, arms, and legs- I could hear her let out tension in her body. I felt like a message therapist as I messaged her hands, her feet, and her legs. In creole, she asked if I could do her back. I agreed and watched her frail self lift her body out of bed and carefully turn over. She was so weak with little muscle left on her frame. Her back was all bone and skin.. a sight nearly unbearable. After I finished soothing her in lotion, I kissed her on the cheek and said "God Bless You." It was so surprising how much I actually enjoyed our time with the sick and dying. I actually started to enjoy rubbing down their skin, soothing their dry skin, and nourishing their need for human touch and love. Many of these people are left to be taken care of in a room packed with other sick and dying men/women all lying on beds in rows. It was almost a scene from a war movie. Many of the people have little visitors or family to comfort them. Imagine being left alone to die in a room with complete strangers.